Yesterday I took some time to describe some common traits of children living in alcoholic households. As I was re-reading that post, a thought came to mind...how does this relate to my life now. I am no longer in that situation, and my father no longer drinks, but I look at other adults my age and I can't relate to their everyday routines. I look at other relationships that they have, and see major differences in how they interact with people and their surroundings and how I interact. If you were to ask anyone who knows me, they would tell you that I would rather be by myself reading a book as compared to out with people. So I took last night to look up some research on this, and the following is what I found. I hope you all find this at least interesting, if not useful.

Characteristics Adult Children of Alcoholics May Exhibit

Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.

Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.

Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.

Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.

Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.

An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.

Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.

An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.

A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.

Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.

Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be a perfectionist and self-critical.

Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.

Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.

Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.

A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.

Core Issues Of Adult Children Of Alcoholics

According to a 2001 study By Steve Frisch, PsyD, the following are the core issues that adult children of alcoholics have to work through before they can become happy healthy adults.

The fear of loss of control is a dominant theme in their lives. Control dominates the interactions of an ACOA with themselves as well as the people in their lives. Fear of loss of control, whether it be over one's emotions, thoughts, feelings, will, actions, or relationships is pervasive. ACOA's rely upon defenses mechanisms such as denial, suppression in order to control their internal world of thoughts and feelings as well as the outward manifestation of those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

A second core issue is trust. This is directly attributable to being raised in an environment of chaos, unpredictability, and denial. Repeatedly told to ignore the obvious, deny their own feelings, and distrust the accuracy of their own perceptions ACOA's eventually begin to distrust not only other people but their own feelings and senses as well. Father is passed out on the couch, mom's face is buried in a bowl of soup yet nothing is wrong.

A third core issue is avoidance of feelings. In , the child's (COA) expression of feelings is typically met with censure, disapproval, anger, and rejection. Often the child is told explicitly, "Don't you dare say that to me; don't even think it!" or "Don't upset your mother. You have to be more understanding." In other words, COA's are taught very early that it is necessary to hide their feelings. Hiding their feelings leads to not even have any feelings as they master the art of repressing, denying, or minimizing them.

A fourth core issue is over­responsibility. ACOA's come to believe they are responsible for what is happening in their family. This is because blame is so much a part of an alcoholic family — "I drink because the kids are out of control." This just feeds a child's already existing self-centeredness. Because of these , COA's grow up believing they are responsible for other's emotions and actions. Because children do not know that the alcoholic drinks because the alcoholic has lost their choice to drink, they begin to believe that they are responsible for their drinking because of their "bad" behavior and therefore they are responsible for the alcoholic to stop drinking. Therefore a COA may decide that the way to end the bickering and drinking is to be a model child. Another reason that ACOA's develop a sense of overresonsibility is that children in alcoholic families often times become the family counselor or even a substitute parent for the "absent" alcoholic.

A fifth core issue of an ACOA is that they tend to ignore their own needs. This likely stems from the fact that their emotional needs continually took a back seat to alcoholism, chaos, and emotional and physical violence. All too many ACOA's equate acknowledging their emotional needs with being vulnerable or even weak. Feeling vulnerable also is equated with being out of control—a state if being which an ACOA finds intolerable. Along with feeling vulnerable and out of control, acknowledging their emotional needs may make an ACOA feel dependent, inadequate, or even worse than those states, forever in debt to the person who met their needs.