Sorry to all my readers...
11:51 PM
To all my readers...
I am sorry I have not updated this in a week. My son has been sick so I have had no time this week. He is better now, and I will be getting lots of new content on here now that I have the time. Thanks again for all your support.
I am sorry I have not updated this in a week. My son has been sick so I have had no time this week. He is better now, and I will be getting lots of new content on here now that I have the time. Thanks again for all your support.
My Story - Part 4 - He Saved Me
1:06 PM
When my sister was in 7th grade, I was in 5th grade, all she talked about for the first quarter of school was this guy in her class that was cute(or whatever we said back then). Everyone heard about him...me, my mom, our cousins, anyone who would listen. Then one Friday, he came home from school with her. His name was Tim...and I knew immediately why she had such a crush on him. It was the time of long hair..which he had, It was blond and he had the prettiest green eyes I had ever seen on a boy, and if you were to ask my husband today, he would tell you that Tim is the reason I look at a mans arms before anything else(see some of this will be humorous). He was muscular and all around, in my eyes, perfect. That day would change the course of the rest of my childhood. I was 10 years old and he was 14 so what happened shocked everyone...The day he came home with Charity, they also had Tim's best friend Matt with them. We all sat outside for hours...talking, laughing, and playing games...well it was around 9 we decided to play truth or dare(see we did have some typical childhood moments...just fewer than others). Matt and Charity got it in there heads to dare Tim and I to go into our shed and kiss for 3 minutes...well we went into the shed...I was nervous, I remember the conversation that took place like it was yesterday...Tim said we didn't have to kiss...there were no windows so we could just tell them we did...So we didn't we started talking...we kept talking...and apparently for much longer than 3 minutes...but then all of the sudden we did kiss...it was a sweet kiss...just on my cheek...and that was the moment I feel in love with him. I know everyone says you can't fall in love at 10 and they are probably right...but I cared for him. We had so much in common, but nothing in common...his parents were not the nicest people, even though they didn't drink(he was an oops baby and they let him know all the time), and eventually he came to find out about my dad. This was not a dating situation...he was my best friend and I was his...We talked on the phone till all hours of the morning whenever either of us needed it. We got away with this by going to bed and when the parents went to bed we would get up and call each other(I was lucky...my bedroom was right off the kitchen and the phone was literally right outside my bedroom, so I would just dial the number then go back to my room and close the door). Those conversations probably saved my life, because I don't know how my life would have gone without them. We then began sneaking out to see each other at night, to this day I don't know if anyone believes us when we say that nothing happened except talking, but that was the truth. This went on for about 3 yrs...Then things changed...
Are You Interested in Writing...
4:56 PM
Hello to all my readers...
I am looking for individuals who have something to say on this topic. If you have been through this, or have any information you on the subject that you would like to get out to the public, I would love to hear your story, and post it on here for you. This can be done anonymously if you would like. I am making this offer because as I started to write down my story, and share it, there has been a major weight that is gone. I would love for others to have that opportunity. Please feel free to get in contact with me. Thank you to all my readers. I appreciate all the kind comments, it makes the process of learning to open up much easier.
I am looking for individuals who have something to say on this topic. If you have been through this, or have any information you on the subject that you would like to get out to the public, I would love to hear your story, and post it on here for you. This can be done anonymously if you would like. I am making this offer because as I started to write down my story, and share it, there has been a major weight that is gone. I would love for others to have that opportunity. Please feel free to get in contact with me. Thank you to all my readers. I appreciate all the kind comments, it makes the process of learning to open up much easier.
My Story - Part 3 - A New Town
2:49 AM
It was supposed to be a new beginning. We were leaving Decatur, with its 150,000 people, for a small town. A town that had 1 gas station(right out of the 50's), 1 ice cream stand, a small grocery store(if you could call it that), and about 15 churches and a whopping 1,100 people. Oh, and one important piece to this town...it was a dry town...no alcohol sold whatsoever. Talk about a great idea for our family. My sister and I though we might actually start to make friends again(something that had not happened since I was 5). That fairy tale would end almost as quickly as it came. I know when we moved there I though that even if the fighting continued...we were in a small town...isn't that where people actually care about their neighbors? That fairy tale died just as quickly as the first. Not only did the fighting continue...it got worse. I think it was because after the first few times, my dad realized he could get away with pretty much anything, and no one would ever try to help. When I ran out of the house screaming that he was going to kill my mom...the neighbors just went inside. Instead of getting better, things progressively got worse. I was older now, and somehow my dad's drinking fell on my shoulders. Every time he would drink, he would make sure everyone knew it was my fault. If I was a better child, if I didn't lie, if I did this or didn't do that. Any excuse he could come up with. When he would hit my mom, the next day he would make sure I knew that was my fault too. I will admit and take responsibility for my part. I lied...and I lied a lot, but when I was told to lie to everyone but my parents...it became very easy to lie to them as well. Thinking back, this is where I learned to hate my dad. I know hate is a strong word, and I rarely use it, but I truly did hate him. All I ever wanted was to be treated the same, or even just with a modicum of respect. I wanted to be told that not everything that went wrong in our house was my fault. Really I do not know if it would have made a difference, but I would have loved the opportunity to see. I seen my dad with my sister...he was her softball coach(which I was not allowed to play), he would pick her up for lunch on his days off, he made it a point to spend time with her(and made it a point to let me know that I was not worth the time). Then, one day that all changed...I met him...The one that would change it all...
How We Relate To Others Around Us
5:28 PM
Yesterday I took some time to describe some common traits of children living in alcoholic households. As I was re-reading that post, a thought came to mind...how does this relate to my life now. I am no longer in that situation, and my father no longer drinks, but I look at other adults my age and I can't relate to their everyday routines. I look at other relationships that they have, and see major differences in how they interact with people and their surroundings and how I interact. If you were to ask anyone who knows me, they would tell you that I would rather be by myself reading a book as compared to out with people. So I took last night to look up some research on this, and the following is what I found. I hope you all find this at least interesting, if not useful.
Characteristics Adult Children of Alcoholics May Exhibit
Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.
An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.
Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.
A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.
Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.
Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be a perfectionist and self-critical.
Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.
Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.
A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.
Core Issues Of Adult Children Of Alcoholics
According to a 2001 study By Steve Frisch, PsyD, the following are the core issues that adult children of alcoholics have to work through before they can become happy healthy adults.
The fear of loss of control is a dominant theme in their lives. Control dominates the interactions of an ACOA with themselves as well as the people in their lives. Fear of loss of control, whether it be over one's emotions, thoughts, feelings, will, actions, or relationships is pervasive. ACOA's rely upon defenses mechanisms such as denial, suppression in order to control their internal world of thoughts and feelings as well as the outward manifestation of those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
A second core issue is trust. This is directly attributable to being raised in an environment of chaos, unpredictability, and denial. Repeatedly told to ignore the obvious, deny their own feelings, and distrust the accuracy of their own perceptions ACOA's eventually begin to distrust not only other people but their own feelings and senses as well. Father is passed out on the couch, mom's face is buried in a bowl of soup yet nothing is wrong.
A third core issue is avoidance of feelings. In , the child's (COA) expression of feelings is typically met with censure, disapproval, anger, and rejection. Often the child is told explicitly, "Don't you dare say that to me; don't even think it!" or "Don't upset your mother. You have to be more understanding." In other words, COA's are taught very early that it is necessary to hide their feelings. Hiding their feelings leads to not even have any feelings as they master the art of repressing, denying, or minimizing them.
A fourth core issue is overresponsibility. ACOA's come to believe they are responsible for what is happening in their family. This is because blame is so much a part of an alcoholic family — "I drink because the kids are out of control." This just feeds a child's already existing self-centeredness. Because of these , COA's grow up believing they are responsible for other's emotions and actions. Because children do not know that the alcoholic drinks because the alcoholic has lost their choice to drink, they begin to believe that they are responsible for their drinking because of their "bad" behavior and therefore they are responsible for the alcoholic to stop drinking. Therefore a COA may decide that the way to end the bickering and drinking is to be a model child. Another reason that ACOA's develop a sense of overresonsibility is that children in alcoholic families often times become the family counselor or even a substitute parent for the "absent" alcoholic.
A fifth core issue of an ACOA is that they tend to ignore their own needs. This likely stems from the fact that their emotional needs continually took a back seat to alcoholism, chaos, and emotional and physical violence. All too many ACOA's equate acknowledging their emotional needs with being vulnerable or even weak. Feeling vulnerable also is equated with being out of control—a state if being which an ACOA finds intolerable. Along with feeling vulnerable and out of control, acknowledging their emotional needs may make an ACOA feel dependent, inadequate, or even worse than those states, forever in debt to the person who met their needs.
Characteristics Adult Children of Alcoholics May Exhibit
Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.
An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.
Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.
A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.
Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.
Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be a perfectionist and self-critical.
Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.
Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.
A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.
Core Issues Of Adult Children Of Alcoholics
According to a 2001 study By Steve Frisch, PsyD, the following are the core issues that adult children of alcoholics have to work through before they can become happy healthy adults.
The fear of loss of control is a dominant theme in their lives. Control dominates the interactions of an ACOA with themselves as well as the people in their lives. Fear of loss of control, whether it be over one's emotions, thoughts, feelings, will, actions, or relationships is pervasive. ACOA's rely upon defenses mechanisms such as denial, suppression in order to control their internal world of thoughts and feelings as well as the outward manifestation of those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
A second core issue is trust. This is directly attributable to being raised in an environment of chaos, unpredictability, and denial. Repeatedly told to ignore the obvious, deny their own feelings, and distrust the accuracy of their own perceptions ACOA's eventually begin to distrust not only other people but their own feelings and senses as well. Father is passed out on the couch, mom's face is buried in a bowl of soup yet nothing is wrong.
A third core issue is avoidance of feelings. In , the child's (COA) expression of feelings is typically met with censure, disapproval, anger, and rejection. Often the child is told explicitly, "Don't you dare say that to me; don't even think it!" or "Don't upset your mother. You have to be more understanding." In other words, COA's are taught very early that it is necessary to hide their feelings. Hiding their feelings leads to not even have any feelings as they master the art of repressing, denying, or minimizing them.
A fourth core issue is overresponsibility. ACOA's come to believe they are responsible for what is happening in their family. This is because blame is so much a part of an alcoholic family — "I drink because the kids are out of control." This just feeds a child's already existing self-centeredness. Because of these , COA's grow up believing they are responsible for other's emotions and actions. Because children do not know that the alcoholic drinks because the alcoholic has lost their choice to drink, they begin to believe that they are responsible for their drinking because of their "bad" behavior and therefore they are responsible for the alcoholic to stop drinking. Therefore a COA may decide that the way to end the bickering and drinking is to be a model child. Another reason that ACOA's develop a sense of overresonsibility is that children in alcoholic families often times become the family counselor or even a substitute parent for the "absent" alcoholic.
A fifth core issue of an ACOA is that they tend to ignore their own needs. This likely stems from the fact that their emotional needs continually took a back seat to alcoholism, chaos, and emotional and physical violence. All too many ACOA's equate acknowledging their emotional needs with being vulnerable or even weak. Feeling vulnerable also is equated with being out of control—a state if being which an ACOA finds intolerable. Along with feeling vulnerable and out of control, acknowledging their emotional needs may make an ACOA feel dependent, inadequate, or even worse than those states, forever in debt to the person who met their needs.
What Everyone Should Know About Children Growing Up In An Alcoholic Household
1:50 PM
With alcoholism, as with any disease, the effects on family and society can be, and usually are devastating. I would like to take this time to explain, from a family members point of view, how this disease affects the family, with emphasis being on the children in the household.
This disease is contagious - I am not saying contagious in the typical, if you are around an alcoholic you will become one, way. I am saying that if you are around an alcoholic you will become part of the disease. This is just an unfortunate fact. there are several ways this happens, but the most common is becoming codependent.
What is Codependency?
Codependency describes the unhealthy behaviors that develop when people adapt to the dysfunctional life of the alcoholic. Codependent individuals tend to base their actions and feelings on the needs of the alcoholic, often failing to meet their own needs or serve their best interest. Codependents may exhibit many of the symptoms of dependency that the alcoholic displays, however, this is in reaction to the disease instead of as a result of the disease.
Important Facts to understand in dealing with children of alcoholics -
Alcoholism affects the entire family -
Living with a non-recovering alcoholic in the family can contribute to stress for all members of the family. Each member of a family is affected differently, so there is not one treatment that will work for everyone.
Children, who were raised in alcoholic families, have different life experiences than children raised in non-alcoholic families. These may be similar to children raised in other types of dysfunctional families.
Children living with a non-recovering alcoholic often score lower on measures of family cohesion, intellectual-cultural orientation, active-recreational orientation, and independence. They also usually experience higher levels of conflict within the family.
Many children of alcoholics often have issues relating to other family members, and consider them distant and non-communicative.
Children of alcoholics may be hampered by their inability to grow in developmentally healthy ways.
My hope with this article is that more people will start to understand the many obstacles families of alcoholics have to deal with on a regular basis. As with all my articles this is a starting point and would love to hear all your comments on this topic, so that we can start to take the veil off of this subject.
This disease is contagious - I am not saying contagious in the typical, if you are around an alcoholic you will become one, way. I am saying that if you are around an alcoholic you will become part of the disease. This is just an unfortunate fact. there are several ways this happens, but the most common is becoming codependent.
What is Codependency?
Codependency describes the unhealthy behaviors that develop when people adapt to the dysfunctional life of the alcoholic. Codependent individuals tend to base their actions and feelings on the needs of the alcoholic, often failing to meet their own needs or serve their best interest. Codependents may exhibit many of the symptoms of dependency that the alcoholic displays, however, this is in reaction to the disease instead of as a result of the disease.
Important Facts to understand in dealing with children of alcoholics -
Alcoholism affects the entire family -
Living with a non-recovering alcoholic in the family can contribute to stress for all members of the family. Each member of a family is affected differently, so there is not one treatment that will work for everyone.
Children, who were raised in alcoholic families, have different life experiences than children raised in non-alcoholic families. These may be similar to children raised in other types of dysfunctional families.
Children living with a non-recovering alcoholic often score lower on measures of family cohesion, intellectual-cultural orientation, active-recreational orientation, and independence. They also usually experience higher levels of conflict within the family.
Many children of alcoholics often have issues relating to other family members, and consider them distant and non-communicative.
Children of alcoholics may be hampered by their inability to grow in developmentally healthy ways.
My hope with this article is that more people will start to understand the many obstacles families of alcoholics have to deal with on a regular basis. As with all my articles this is a starting point and would love to hear all your comments on this topic, so that we can start to take the veil off of this subject.
UPCOMING EVENTS: ILLINOIS
5:00 PM
McHenry's 20th Annual Soberfest November 20th - 22nd, 2009
About the Event:
Mission Statement
To celebrate sobriety by planning, implementing and presenting a family oriented weekend for recovering alcoholics, their families and friends.
Al-Anon Mission Statement:
We are an invited guest of the "McHenry Soberfest Open Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous". Upon accepting this invitation, and keeping within the guidelines of The 12 Steps, Traditions and Concepts, it is our mission to coordinate and support the Al-Anon and Alateen portions of this conference. Our primary purpose is to help the families and friends of Alcoholics and we are directly responsible to those we serve.
This Year's conference will be held at:
Grand Geneva Resort
7020 Grand Geneva Way
Lake Geneva, WI 53147
1-888-392-8000
REGISTRATION IS REQUIRED TO PARTICIPATE IN ANY PART OF THE CONFERENCE
There are still rooms available at the Grand Geneva Resort for the Conference. For Grand Geneva Resort information or room reservation click here for Facility Information.
Registration Information:
WE URGE YOU TO RETURN YOUR REGISTRATION FORM AND CHECK PROMPTLY.
LAST YEAR'S BANQUET WAS COMPLETELY SOLD OUT.
Banquet Group Seating must be in the same envelope (limit 10 to a table)
On-Site Registration opens at 2:00 pm on Friday, Nov. 20th, 2009
Conference Sessions begin at 3:00 pm
For Additional Information Please Contact:
A.A. Jay D. 224.392.4248
Al-Anon Tim C. 815.790.7557
Alateen Josie K. 847.639.4440
Young AA Kathy K. 847.910.4346
McHenry's Soberfest
P.O. Box 717
McHenry, IL. 60051-0717
For more information visit the Soberfest website.
About the Event:
Mission Statement
To celebrate sobriety by planning, implementing and presenting a family oriented weekend for recovering alcoholics, their families and friends.
Al-Anon Mission Statement:
We are an invited guest of the "McHenry Soberfest Open Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous". Upon accepting this invitation, and keeping within the guidelines of The 12 Steps, Traditions and Concepts, it is our mission to coordinate and support the Al-Anon and Alateen portions of this conference. Our primary purpose is to help the families and friends of Alcoholics and we are directly responsible to those we serve.
This Year's conference will be held at:
Grand Geneva Resort
7020 Grand Geneva Way
Lake Geneva, WI 53147
1-888-392-8000
REGISTRATION IS REQUIRED TO PARTICIPATE IN ANY PART OF THE CONFERENCE
There are still rooms available at the Grand Geneva Resort for the Conference. For Grand Geneva Resort information or room reservation click here for Facility Information.
Registration Information:
WE URGE YOU TO RETURN YOUR REGISTRATION FORM AND CHECK PROMPTLY.
LAST YEAR'S BANQUET WAS COMPLETELY SOLD OUT.
Banquet Group Seating must be in the same envelope (limit 10 to a table)
On-Site Registration opens at 2:00 pm on Friday, Nov. 20th, 2009
Conference Sessions begin at 3:00 pm
For Additional Information Please Contact:
A.A. Jay D. 224.392.4248
Al-Anon Tim C. 815.790.7557
Alateen Josie K. 847.639.4440
Young AA Kathy K. 847.910.4346
McHenry's Soberfest
P.O. Box 717
McHenry, IL. 60051-0717
For more information visit the Soberfest website.
My Story - Part 2- Early Childhood
4:05 PM
So, after the incident at my aunt's house, life for the rest of my family went on as usual. My mom and sister acted like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. They also acted like I was blowing things out of proportion for not letting the whole incident go. However, from that day to this very day, my relationship with my dad would forever be changed. I guess I would say, not just my relationship with my dad, but really my relationship with everyone I would come in contact with from that day on. I could not get over this incident. I think part of the problem was that I was never able to talk about it. Even today, 26 yrs. later, if I ask my mom what happened that day, she will tell me to let it go. Then proceeds to tell me that my aunt was the true culprit that day. This after my dad has been sober for almost 11 yrs(which I am proud of him for). Shortly after that we moved again, and we were banned from seeing my aunt & uncle and their kids. We went on made new friends, went to school, my sister started softball. Something was different though, my dad no longer wanted to have anything to do with me. That is when it started, the decline of my self esteem. This was brought on by my dad constantly telling me that I would never amount to anything, that I would be a teenage mother and drop out of school to live on welfare for my whole life. It was a daily occurrence to here what a looser I was. Most, if not all, of these statements came while he was drunk. I can not tell you whether my mom and sister tried to help or if they were just content knowing he wasn't coming after them with the insults. I want to make this clear, my dad never laid a hand on me(although my mom was abused regularly), but there are things that are just as harmful that don't require someone to lay their hands on you. At this point though, I still had some friends, although would rarely talk about myself. This is the first time I remember starting to lie, both about myself and my life. When people would ask me about myself and my family, I would make our family sound perfect. Maybe it was the family that I wanted, maybe I just didn't want to tell them the truth about myself because my dad's comments had already started to sink in and I believed that I was as useless as he told me. I was 6 yrs. old. The problems started there...I learned that lying was easy and telling the truth wasn't(along with the fact that my mom told us on a daily basis not to talk about what went on in our house.) And this is where this chapter of my life ended...and the next one would begin 2 yrs later in a new town with new people.
Do you think the 12 steps is just for the addicted...Think again
1:23 PM
Alanon/alateen is a community-based mutual support program for the friends and families of alcoholics. The information and support they give to their members has such value that, in their most recent survey, 82% of those surveyed say their mental health and well-being had significantly improved by attending these meetings. Also have of those surveyed state that they have begun to volunteer for alanon/alateen themselves. The program is based on the 12 step program, just as AA is. However, it deals with issues that pertain directly to the loved ones.
So now you may be saying, yes, its a great resource. but it's just not for me...I said that for years...actually I said, "that won't help me". I made every excuse in the book why these programs wouldn't work, why they would be a waste of time. I told myself "well they don't know what I'm going through. It's different for me for one reason or another". Then reality set in, and I figured out that I was no different. Yes every story is different, and how we get to certain places in our lives are different, but in one aspect we are all the same...Someone in our lives have affected our life with their drinking. That is when I gave in and went to a meeting. It was amazing...I could open up(or not) and not have someone give me that "aww poor you" look(you all know which look I am talking about).
So now you may be asking yourself...can this work for me? Here is Alanon's response to that exact question..."Many who come to Al-Anon/Alateen are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to Al-Anon because we want and need help.
In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."*
Now comes the question...who will be at these meetings with me?...answer from alanon..."Al-Anon and Alateen members are people just like you and me–people who have been affected by someone else's drinking. They are parents, children, spouses, partners, brothers, sisters, other family members, friends, employers, employees, and coworkers of alcoholics. No matter what our specific experience has been we share a common bond: we feel our lives have been affected by someone else's drinking."*
Now here is the tough question...and I hope that if you are affected by alcoholism this is the question you are thinking...How do I find a meeting?...answer..."Al-Anon may be listed in the white pages of your local telephone directory. Cities with local information services are listed on our Web site. Many of those listed post meeting information on their Web sites. For meeting information in Canada, the US, and Puerto Rico you can call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 6:00pm ET."*
I encourage everyone to visit the alanon website (I've made it easy..just click here). Even if you are not directly affected, they always have opportunities for volunteers.
So now you may be saying, yes, its a great resource. but it's just not for me...I said that for years...actually I said, "that won't help me". I made every excuse in the book why these programs wouldn't work, why they would be a waste of time. I told myself "well they don't know what I'm going through. It's different for me for one reason or another". Then reality set in, and I figured out that I was no different. Yes every story is different, and how we get to certain places in our lives are different, but in one aspect we are all the same...Someone in our lives have affected our life with their drinking. That is when I gave in and went to a meeting. It was amazing...I could open up(or not) and not have someone give me that "aww poor you" look(you all know which look I am talking about).
So now you may be asking yourself...can this work for me? Here is Alanon's response to that exact question..."Many who come to Al-Anon/Alateen are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to Al-Anon because we want and need help.
In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."*
Now comes the question...who will be at these meetings with me?...answer from alanon..."Al-Anon and Alateen members are people just like you and me–people who have been affected by someone else's drinking. They are parents, children, spouses, partners, brothers, sisters, other family members, friends, employers, employees, and coworkers of alcoholics. No matter what our specific experience has been we share a common bond: we feel our lives have been affected by someone else's drinking."*
Now here is the tough question...and I hope that if you are affected by alcoholism this is the question you are thinking...How do I find a meeting?...answer..."Al-Anon may be listed in the white pages of your local telephone directory. Cities with local information services are listed on our Web site. Many of those listed post meeting information on their Web sites. For meeting information in Canada, the US, and Puerto Rico you can call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 6:00pm ET."*
I encourage everyone to visit the alanon website (I've made it easy..just click here). Even if you are not directly affected, they always have opportunities for volunteers.
DUI - What Is the Reasoning Behind The Laws...
2:25 PM
Let's get the facts out there...
DUI Statisics -
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration announced record-breaking alcohol-related traffic fatality numbers— the highest in 10 years.*
In 2006, an estimated 17,602 people died in alcohol-related traffic crashes—an average of one every 30 minutes. These deaths constitute 41 percent of the 42,642 total traffic fatalities. Of these, an estimated 13,470 involved a driver with an illegal BAC (.08 or greater).*
About three in every ten Americans will be involved in an alcohol-related crash at some time in their lives.*
Of the over 159 million alcohol-impaired driving trips estimated that Americans took in last year, over ten percent (18 million trips) were made by 18-20 year olds.*
The rate of alcohol involvement in fatal crashes is more than 3 times higher at night than during the day (59 percent vs. 18 percent). For all crashes, the alcohol involvement rate is 5 times higher at night (16 percent vs. 3 percent).*
Alcohol-related crashes in the United States cost the public an estimated $114.3 billion each year, including $51.1 billion in monetary costs and an estimated $63.2 billion in quality of life losses. People other than the drinking driver paid $71.6 billion of the alcohol-related crash bill, which is 63 percent of the total cost of these crashes.*
So now you have the statistics, I should seem Ironic that we have the highest traffic fatality numbers in 10 years as the DUI laws are becoming increasingly harsher. The question I ask is harsher for whom? I am not minimizing the need for strictly enforced DUI laws. Actually, its just the opposite. I belive that the laws should be harsh for this type of flagrently selfish behavior. My issue is with who these laws truely punish. As all state laws are different, I will be examining some general provisions that most states have included in their DUI laws.
Mandatory AA meetings - I don't understand the reasoning behind this being placed as a requirement in DUI cases. The mission of AA is to help alcoholics that want help...even if they don't succeed...they want the help and are at a point where they know that they need to quit. I understand that hearing these stories may motivate some to stop drinking. However...for the most part, this does nothing to stop those who are mandated to stop drinking. It takes from the value of a meeting when you are forcing people, who have no desire to be there, to go to this type of meeting.
Loss of Drivers Licence - I understand this and I have mixed feelings on this particular punishment. I know that this has to be done, but this does not punish the offender as much as it punishes the family & friends of the offender. I will give you an example. An offender looses their driving privleges, but still needs to get to work. So then what happens...It falls to the friends and family of the offender to make sure that not only they get to work or school...but also that the offender gets to work.
So now comes my opinion...I think that mandatory jail time(even for 1st offense) would be better. I know that this would cause hardships for the offender and the family also, but the majority of the punishment would be to the actual offender.
I have seen this within my house along with friends. I will let you know that this is just my opinion and anyone who disagrees with me...I would love to hear your opinion. The more conversations there are out there about this topic the better. I am not one to say that my opinion is right...I may even change my opinon if someone has a bette solution...so lets here them.
*Statistics provided by scene of the accident click here to check out the amazing information they have on their site.
DUI Statisics -
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration announced record-breaking alcohol-related traffic fatality numbers— the highest in 10 years.*
In 2006, an estimated 17,602 people died in alcohol-related traffic crashes—an average of one every 30 minutes. These deaths constitute 41 percent of the 42,642 total traffic fatalities. Of these, an estimated 13,470 involved a driver with an illegal BAC (.08 or greater).*
About three in every ten Americans will be involved in an alcohol-related crash at some time in their lives.*
Of the over 159 million alcohol-impaired driving trips estimated that Americans took in last year, over ten percent (18 million trips) were made by 18-20 year olds.*
The rate of alcohol involvement in fatal crashes is more than 3 times higher at night than during the day (59 percent vs. 18 percent). For all crashes, the alcohol involvement rate is 5 times higher at night (16 percent vs. 3 percent).*
Alcohol-related crashes in the United States cost the public an estimated $114.3 billion each year, including $51.1 billion in monetary costs and an estimated $63.2 billion in quality of life losses. People other than the drinking driver paid $71.6 billion of the alcohol-related crash bill, which is 63 percent of the total cost of these crashes.*
So now you have the statistics, I should seem Ironic that we have the highest traffic fatality numbers in 10 years as the DUI laws are becoming increasingly harsher. The question I ask is harsher for whom? I am not minimizing the need for strictly enforced DUI laws. Actually, its just the opposite. I belive that the laws should be harsh for this type of flagrently selfish behavior. My issue is with who these laws truely punish. As all state laws are different, I will be examining some general provisions that most states have included in their DUI laws.
Mandatory AA meetings - I don't understand the reasoning behind this being placed as a requirement in DUI cases. The mission of AA is to help alcoholics that want help...even if they don't succeed...they want the help and are at a point where they know that they need to quit. I understand that hearing these stories may motivate some to stop drinking. However...for the most part, this does nothing to stop those who are mandated to stop drinking. It takes from the value of a meeting when you are forcing people, who have no desire to be there, to go to this type of meeting.
Loss of Drivers Licence - I understand this and I have mixed feelings on this particular punishment. I know that this has to be done, but this does not punish the offender as much as it punishes the family & friends of the offender. I will give you an example. An offender looses their driving privleges, but still needs to get to work. So then what happens...It falls to the friends and family of the offender to make sure that not only they get to work or school...but also that the offender gets to work.
So now comes my opinion...I think that mandatory jail time(even for 1st offense) would be better. I know that this would cause hardships for the offender and the family also, but the majority of the punishment would be to the actual offender.
I have seen this within my house along with friends. I will let you know that this is just my opinion and anyone who disagrees with me...I would love to hear your opinion. The more conversations there are out there about this topic the better. I am not one to say that my opinion is right...I may even change my opinon if someone has a bette solution...so lets here them.
*Statistics provided by scene of the accident click here to check out the amazing information they have on their site.
National Resources -
1:24 PM
If you have any other resources for this post please contact me with the link or phone # and I will add it immediately. I am looking to add to this list constently to make the most complete list we can. I will also be posting state specific listings as I compile resources, so if you know of a good resources in the state where you are located, please also contact me with those.
Alcoholics Annoynomus - Meetings & resources for alcoholics
Alanon/Alateen - Meetings & resources for anyone affected by the alcoholism of a loved one
Alanon/Alateen online - Online email and chat services for those who may not be able to make it to a local meeting.
Recovery Realm - Online meetings/forums/chat/support for families dealing with alcoholism.
National Association for Children of Alcholics - There mission is to eliminate the adverse impact of alcohol and drug use on children and families. This is a must visit site for anyone who wants to know more about this disease, or get involved with educating the public on the effects of this disease.
Alcoholics Annoynomus - Meetings & resources for alcoholics
Alanon/Alateen - Meetings & resources for anyone affected by the alcoholism of a loved one
Alanon/Alateen online - Online email and chat services for those who may not be able to make it to a local meeting.
Recovery Realm - Online meetings/forums/chat/support for families dealing with alcoholism.
National Association for Children of Alcholics - There mission is to eliminate the adverse impact of alcohol and drug use on children and families. This is a must visit site for anyone who wants to know more about this disease, or get involved with educating the public on the effects of this disease.
My Story - Part 1 - Early childhood
12:18 PM
First I would like to thank you again for visiting. Over the next serveral days I will be publishing my personal story. This is not a blog that I want to be one sided. I want everyone to comment(good or bad). I want to hear your opinions, your stories, your advice. I look forward to hearing from you all.
I also want to warn everyone upfront that there will be some content in here that may be too intense for all. This is not meant to be objectionable, but I want this to give people a true account of what can happen. The only way to do that is not to hold back on content.
My story - Early childhood
If you were to come up to me and ask me to tell you about good memories of my childhood, I would most likely tell you one of a few stories that I have told over and over and over when asked that question. I go on auto-pilot when those questions come up...I repeat the story(usually with very little emotion, if any) and go about my day, not thinking about the memories again. However, if you ask me the worst memories of my childhood, I could go on and on(with all the emotion of someone experiencing them for the first time). So the point of this story is not only to tell you my story, but also to help me remember those good times and get excited about them.
Age 5 - We moved to a house in a "good" part of town. I loved the yard...we had a huge(for us) yard. It was fenced in and we had a German Sheppard that I loved(however I can't remember his name). My best friend, Shana, lived 2 houses down and we spent lots of time together. Most of the time we would just hang out in my yard or go watch TV at her house.
This is where we lived when I realized, for the first time, that my life was different them most other kids. I remember the day like it was yesterday. The first time I remember my dad drunk(not the first time he was though)...We were at my aunt "A" and Uncle "O" house. Along with my parents, Aunt "M" and Uncle "B", my sister, and my 4 cousins. Everything was going great, the normal gang was all together. All of us kids were so close in age, from oldest to youngest there was only 2 years difference in age. We were all in the bedroom playing and within minutes everything fell apart. To this day none of us kids know exactly what happened outside of that room...but that day would change everything. We started to hear shouting...sounded like the grownups may be getting loud...next thing we know my mom and both of my aunts ran into the room and locked us and themselves into the closet. We were all told not to say a word and get to the back of the closet. The next thing I know I hear my dad yelling that he is coming...Then his hand punching through the closet door. I heard both of my uncles running after him. I heard them yelling that the police were coming. and pulling him out of the room. That was it...it was over and the next thing I heard from my mom..."don't tell anyone about this, and whatever you do DO NOT tell your granny and grandad." I don't know exactly what happened after that. I know the police showed up, and I know my dad never did go to jail...that day or any other day. The two things that stuck with me from that day on...DONT TELL and the police don't really protect those who need protecting. From that day forward we were not allowed to have friends spend the night(the next time that happened was on my sisters 15th b-day) and after dad got home from work, if we wanted to spend time with friends, it was at there house.
So that is the begining...Not all of this story will be like this...as I said...I do have good memeories of my childhood, and will make sure those go in here as well...look back daily as this story progresses. I will also be posting stories from others who have been in this situation along with recovering alcoholics that have agreed to post there stories as a part of the effort to inform the public about this disease.
I also want to warn everyone upfront that there will be some content in here that may be too intense for all. This is not meant to be objectionable, but I want this to give people a true account of what can happen. The only way to do that is not to hold back on content.
My story - Early childhood
If you were to come up to me and ask me to tell you about good memories of my childhood, I would most likely tell you one of a few stories that I have told over and over and over when asked that question. I go on auto-pilot when those questions come up...I repeat the story(usually with very little emotion, if any) and go about my day, not thinking about the memories again. However, if you ask me the worst memories of my childhood, I could go on and on(with all the emotion of someone experiencing them for the first time). So the point of this story is not only to tell you my story, but also to help me remember those good times and get excited about them.
Age 5 - We moved to a house in a "good" part of town. I loved the yard...we had a huge(for us) yard. It was fenced in and we had a German Sheppard that I loved(however I can't remember his name). My best friend, Shana, lived 2 houses down and we spent lots of time together. Most of the time we would just hang out in my yard or go watch TV at her house.
This is where we lived when I realized, for the first time, that my life was different them most other kids. I remember the day like it was yesterday. The first time I remember my dad drunk(not the first time he was though)...We were at my aunt "A" and Uncle "O" house. Along with my parents, Aunt "M" and Uncle "B", my sister, and my 4 cousins. Everything was going great, the normal gang was all together. All of us kids were so close in age, from oldest to youngest there was only 2 years difference in age. We were all in the bedroom playing and within minutes everything fell apart. To this day none of us kids know exactly what happened outside of that room...but that day would change everything. We started to hear shouting...sounded like the grownups may be getting loud...next thing we know my mom and both of my aunts ran into the room and locked us and themselves into the closet. We were all told not to say a word and get to the back of the closet. The next thing I know I hear my dad yelling that he is coming...Then his hand punching through the closet door. I heard both of my uncles running after him. I heard them yelling that the police were coming. and pulling him out of the room. That was it...it was over and the next thing I heard from my mom..."don't tell anyone about this, and whatever you do DO NOT tell your granny and grandad." I don't know exactly what happened after that. I know the police showed up, and I know my dad never did go to jail...that day or any other day. The two things that stuck with me from that day on...DONT TELL and the police don't really protect those who need protecting. From that day forward we were not allowed to have friends spend the night(the next time that happened was on my sisters 15th b-day) and after dad got home from work, if we wanted to spend time with friends, it was at there house.
So that is the begining...Not all of this story will be like this...as I said...I do have good memeories of my childhood, and will make sure those go in here as well...look back daily as this story progresses. I will also be posting stories from others who have been in this situation along with recovering alcoholics that have agreed to post there stories as a part of the effort to inform the public about this disease.
